


Paint Me Black

by OnTheGround2012



Series: All I Saw Was You [6]
Category: Teen Wolf (TV)
Genre: Alpha Derek, Alternate Universe, Amnesia, Angst, Children, Drama, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Marriage, Mates, Mpreg, Nobody is Dead, Questions
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-16
Updated: 2015-03-16
Packaged: 2018-03-18 04:21:23
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,613
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3555827
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/OnTheGround2012/pseuds/OnTheGround2012
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Whatever you do,” Derek says, “you can’t give up on him.”</p>
            </blockquote>





	Paint Me Black

**Author's Note:**

> I'd really love it if you let me know what you think... or if you like it. Kudos are lovely too.
> 
> Thanks so much to:
> 
> * [moodycactus](http://archiveofourown.org/works/search?utf8=%E2%9C%93&work_search%5Bquery%5D=moodycactus) for his great help.
> 
> * [motionalocean](http://archiveofourown.org/users/motionalocean/pseuds/motionalocean) for her awesome beta work.. her advice really helped me to improve this chapter and I'm a lot happier with it thanks to her.
> 
> This chapter is dedicated to everybody who left kudos and comments and encouraged me to continue. 
> 
> I want to dedicate it especially to the awesome [Blue_Five](http://archiveofourown.org/users/Blue_Five/works) for writing the great "Skies Gray with Tears" after my request.

                                                           

 

"Derek? What are you doing here?" Jackson says as he opens the door of his house.

"What do you think?"

"I told you on the phone, it can wait until the meeting. Remember?”

"I want to talk to you. Are you gonna let me in or what?"

"Whatever," Jackson says as he steps aside and Derek comes in.

"Have a seat." Jackson sits down on the sofa, Derek taking the one opposite.

"So, what do you want?"

"What do you think, jackass?" Derek shakes his head. "I'm sorry I wasn't here when Stiles woke up. And I told you, I'm sorry I couldn't come back sooner but I'm here now, okay? I want to know how you’re really doing. Not listen to that bullshit you told me on the phone."

"I'm only saying, you didn't need to come here, we could have talked --"

"At my house?" Derek interrupts him. "Are you sure you want to talk about this in a house full of werewolves?"

"Derek. Shit. I just..." Jackson stammers, "I just don't wanna talk about it. At least not yet. Not until I know what Stiles is going to do."

"Is he coming back?"

"I just told you. I have no fucking idea what's on his mind anymore. I used to know him so well... and now, he's not..." Jackson licks his lips as he looks for the right words.

"He's not Stiles?" Derek guesses.

"No, he is Stiles, but he's not my husband. My husband is gone. Daniel's dad is gone. So, no, I don't think he's coming back."

"Shit. I should have been here," says Derek, obviously frustrated.

"What for? Nothing you can do, y'know? He's got fucking amnesia, Derek."

"Because I'm your friend and your alpha and you needed me here."

And he gets that, he knows Derek is going to feel like he failed as an alpha, and that's just more shit Derek doesn't need on his shoulders because there's really nothing he could have done to help in this situation.

"Scott was here, the sheriff was here, most people were here and there is nothing they could do, so don't torture yourself with this shit... it's pointless."

A silence grows. They just stare at each other and Jackson feels uncomfortable as hell. This is what he was trying to avoid. He hates feeling exposed and he hates it even more when it's Derek who is trying to read him.

"How are you holding up then? Honestly. No more bullshit."

"I'm fucking awesome Derek. What do you expect me to say? He's lost his memory and he couldn't stand being here anymore, how do you think I feel?" says Jackson, feeling exasperated.

Derek’s eyes never flicker as they gaze straight into him, and Jackson winces. It’s been ages since he last lost his temper with his Alpha around. Derek had a hand in that, but they both know that it was really Stiles and Daniel who finally helped him settle down and grow into the person he is today. Without Stiles around, Jackson just feels… raw.

"I can actually imagine it,” Derek says. “I've lost people. I know you might be going through hell right now. So, what I have to tell you is that you can't give up."

"Is that what you came to tell me? That I can't give up? Of course, I'm not giving up but it's not exactly up to me, is it?" Jackson hesitates before he continues. "You really want to know how I feel?" Jackson says, spreading his arms when Derek stays silent. "Since he woke up, since he won't touch me... since I can't touch him or do any of the things we used to do every day, it's been a living hell. I can't sleep, I get dizzy sometimes and I have to force myself to eat every day. On top of that, I can't barely function at work because I just..." Jackson hesitates, "I can't focus. I feel like it's killing me... sometimes I feel like I can't breathe and I have to stop what I’m doing and calm down. So you can imagine how that can be a problem at work," Jackson adds with obvious sarcasm in his tone.

"Yeah, I can guess."

"Derek, apart from Daniel, my work is all I have left right now. I've worked too damn hard to get where I am. If things continue this way, sooner or later people are going to notice and I can't allow that to happen. I can't allow my _problems_ ," if that is even the term to describe it, "with Stiles to interfere. I need my job."

And Derek knows what he means, he knows Jackson needs to be the best at something. If his marriage ends, at least he needs his job to stay as it used to be, he needs some sanity. And Derek knows what it feels like to search for sanity and not find it, all too well.

"Jackson, I know how important your job is to you and get it... I really do, and I'm here to tell you that no matter what he decides, you can't give up. He's your mate... you _need_ him. He needs to be by your side."

Jackson frowns and Derek continues. "What's happening to you... The insomnia, the dizziness, the anxiety... those are the first symptoms."

"Sorry, what?" Jackson raises his eyebrows and shakes his head. "What the hell are you talking about?"

"I'm talking about your wolf feeling rejected. I'm talking about you and your wolf missing your mate. I'm sorry but..." Derek sighs as he tries to find the words to continue. "The thing is that I've never heard of any werewolf who has survived losing his mate unless he or she is dead, and even then, if you survived, there would be a pain inside you that would never go away, I guess you'd just... you'd learn to live with it."

Jackson lifts his eyebrows and his pulse speeds up slightly. "Are you saying I'm going to die?" Jackson asks nervously, visibly disturbed.

"I'm saying that, most probably, you won't be able to deal with it. Your wolf will miss him like you've never missed anything or anyone before. It will torture you and eventually it might consume you." Derek has never sugarcoated things, and it's obvious that he's not starting now when Jackson's life could depend on it.

"You have to be fucking kidding me?" He says even louder this time.

"Jackson, calm down, okay?" Derek says gently trying to easy the situation and Jackson's state.

"Calm down? You just told me I'm most probably gonna die and you want me to calm down? How can you do that Derek?" What kind of person acts like this? "Sometimes I don't get you at all! Don't you think you should have given me this little piece of information before turning me?" His tone full of sarcasm, anger and frustration.

"Yeah, like this would have stopped you, right? You begged me to bite you for months. Do I really need to remind you how much you wanted it? Have you forgotten it?" Jackson looks at him with an intense gaze as he considers his words and the reality is that he had wanted it. No matter the consequences, he’d been ready to accept them and he knows it but still, he had the right to know, he's sure of that.

"I'm sure I was a pain in the ass, and I get that you didn't tell me at the time but you should have told me when we became mates. You should have told both of us."

"I didn't mention it because this is rare, okay? This barely happens. Nobody in my family has gone through this. Hell, nobody I know had ever ended in this situation. Mother told me about it all those years ago before she died." Derek sighs. "I suppose I never thought it could actually happen. And when he went into a coma I hoped he'd eventually wake up and it would be okay."

"Well, he's not _okay_." Jackson rises his voice once again. " _Nothing_ is fucking _okay_ , Derek." His tone gradually louder and angrier.

"Getting all riled up is only gonna hurt you... and the baby," Derek tries to put him at easy one more time but seeing Jackson's face it only takes a second to realize that mentioning the baby probably wasn't the wisest thing to do.

Jackson’s mouth goes dry. He reaches a hand out to steady himself, even though he’s already sitting down, because it feels like his world just caved in. It's not just him. If he dies, his unborn child will die with him. He'd never get to see him or her. He'd never get to hold the baby that they both wanted so much.

It's so weird, even if he dies, it's the idea of his child dying with him what really freaks him out. And not only that, leaving Daniel alone without a parent who loves him absolutely breaks him heart and he's suddenly finding it hard to breathe. Something in his chest aches, and words won't come. What is he supposed to say?

"It's fucked up, I know," Derek says when Jackson doesn't reply.

"I can't leave Daniel alone," Jackson removes a tear he couldn't stop from spilling with the back of his hand. Even if his parents and the sheriff would take good care of him, that's not the life he ever wanted for him and that is not what Stiles would have wanted either. They wanted to raise him in their home and they wanted him to feel loved. All they ever wanted for him was a normal life.

"I know." Derek can't tell him that that is not going to happen because he's as clueless as everybody else and while this situation is not his fault, he feels a little responsible for what's happened.

"That's why you need to get Stiles back." Derek says firmly. "He belongs with you, he just doesn't remember and you need to remind him. He needs to see that he's your mate." Derek sighs one more when Jackson won't reply or look at him.

"You can't give up on him, okay?" Derek insists.

Jackson shakes his head staring that the switched off television in front of him. "I should have killed that shithead when I had the chance." Which is something he's thought many times before, he just had never said it aloud.

Derek can feel the anger and frustration radiating from him. "You aren't a killer. And it wouldn't have solved anything."

"It would have made me feel better. How about that?" Jackson snaps looking at Derek once again.

Derek stays silent because he's not gonna lie, he knows the feeling. He knows what it's like to want revenge more than anything else.

"That guy ruined our lives. This was supposed to be our life." Jackson smiles wryly. "In a parallel universe I'm loved by the man I want to be with for the rest of my life. But instead, in this one, I'm here with you talking about how he's forgotten everything about us, including his own son." His voice shook ever-so-slightly despite his efforts to avoid it.

Derek opens his mouth, no sound coming out before he snaps it closed again.

"Before you told me all that crap or whatever," Jackson continues, "I was thinking about it... just the thought of him with another person... I just... you know... I can't..." Jackson shakes his head and avoids Derek's gaze.

"I know." Derek nods. Because he knows, he's been there.

"Do you regret giving me the bite?" Jackson asks bluntly.

And that's something Derek didn't see coming. He raises both eyebrows.

"Why do you ask me that?"

"It's just something else I've been thinking about lately." Jackson sighs and runs his fingers through his hair. "It's simply that if you hadn't done it, I wouldn't have turned into a killer. I wouldn't have been part of the pack later and Stiles and I... Y'know, it would never have happened. You might have even given him the bite, I don't know, but, in any case, I think now... now he would be okay."

"You have to be kidding me." Derek shakes his head with disbelief. Only Jackson could have thought something like that.

"I'm serious Derek. Do you ever regret it?"

Jackson's serious tone tells Derek that this is really something that he must have been wondering probably since the accident.

"Shit, Jackson. Of course not. I did when you turned into the kanima because it was killing and we couldn't stop it, but not since then. And anyway, if you hadn't been through the kanima, you wouldn't have known what Stiles went through. You wouldn't have been there the day he was kidnapped and I'm not sure if he would have survived alone. Who knows? He might have died right there. And instead he came back from that. He recovered, he fell in love, went to college and started a family."

Derek pauses after that and Jackson, who had avoided it before, looks back at him. This time Derek makes sure to make eye contact with him before he continues.

"He loved you and he was happy. I know he wouldn't have changed anything."

Derek sighs and bites his lip. "So please just stop thinking about that shit. You think I didn't blame myself when Kate killed my family? Of course I did. For a while it was all I could think about and it nearly broke me. And if there's something I've learnt over the years is that you can't live in the past, you have to live in the present or it will drive you insane."

Jackson just looks at him and stays silent as he considers his words.

"Look, I've made some bad decisions in my life, but giving you the bite wasn't one of them. And I have to say that our Stiles wouldn't like to hear you say that."

"I know," Jackson admits after a few seconds. "The truth is that if we didn't have Daniel, or the baby, maybe... I don't know, maybe it would be different. Maybe I would be more patient. But this? This is breaking all of us."

"I don't know what's going to happen but for what it’s worth, you’re not in this alone. Alright? The whole pack is here, for both of you. And no matter what happens, Daniel will be okay. He's got a huge family who loves him."

"I hope you're right."

"I am," Derek replies with conviction. He waits until Jackson looks up, until they share a nod, before relaxing and looking at his watch. "I have to go," he says as he starts to get up.

"Yeah, I’ve a lot of things to do as well." Jackson walks towards the door with Derek following him.

"One thing," Jackson says as he opens the door and Derek takes a step outside.

Derek turns around to look at him. "Yeah?"

"Don't tell Stiles."

Derek looks at him and Jackson can tell he doesn't get it.

"Losing a mate... please don't mention it to him."

"Why?"

"You know why. I can’t put that on him, too."

Derek stares at him for a long time, and Jackson can almost hear the arguments he’s making in his head. But in the end, he nods. "Okay. I promise." He rests his left hand on Jackson's shoulder and squeezes it lightly. "See you tonight." He turns around and heads towards his car.

"Yeah, see you later," Jackson says as he closes the door.

**Author's Note:**

> * Ben Hazlewood's awesome new single "Paint Me Black" really inspired me to finish this chapter so it was the only possible title. I had to dedicate it to him in case this is the last chapter.
> 
> * It'd be cool to know what you think of this part.
> 
> * You can find me [on tumblr.](http://otg2012.tumblr.com/)  
> 


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